Tonight I said goodbye to my baby

And remembered when I held you first.

Your cry of astonishment

Was music to my ears.

And later when you cried in pain,

And nothing else would do,

We danced till you cried no more.

Tears of exhaustion, tears of rage

They came and I wiped them away

As I comforted you in your time of need.

And you grew from baby to boy.

There were other tears shed that I never saw

Some on the inside, I’m sure.

Pain that you felt, but kept hidden away

Not for a mother to share.

And tonight as you held me in your arms

The tears that were shed were mine

For my role as a mother has come to a close

But you are my shining star.

2005

2010

Will I be remembered 

After I’m gone,

When I am nothing 

But ashes and bone?

Will someone recall 

That I walked this earth?

Did the world change

On the day of my birth?

This is the question

That beats with my heart

And drives all pursuits

And creation of art.

The refusal to look past,

Keeps me fettered and torn

Bound by the chains

Of the clothes that I’ve worn.

Looking to others

To celebrate and verify

That I am more

Than the singular I

Until I am willing

To look in the face

Of a Man who gave all

That I might have grace.

Embrace the doubts

That challenge my thought

And look toward the God

Who my freedom has bought

And leaving behind

The quest for mere fame,

Trust in His word and

Freedom proclaim.

Resting assured

There awaits something more,

When I leave this place

And pass through death’s door.

“Your baby is dead.”

 I heard the words

And I knew in my heart they were true.

For the dread that came

When I quieted my soul

Darkened the joy that I knew.

I put away the dreams for you

And the baby name book as well

And pushed away the mourning

Too young, too early to tell.

I rolled it all up in a tight little place

And I hope that it never sees day.

It’s unreasonable to shed a tear

For something so tiny and gray.

No one will miss the songs you don’t sing

No one will wipe tears not shed

No one will love you – you don’t exist

And you never did, they said.

Except in moment, except in a spark

That flickered and died without flame

And a little scar on a very sore place

That lingers and begs for a name.

God do you hear me, does your heart ache?

When a soul you began turns away?

Do you harbor a tear that cannot be shed?

Do you ache for a senseless decay?

I cannot believe in a God that’s a pitiless power

Who rejoices in pain and duress

Who cannot know the despair of my heart

Or cannot share my distress.

So I cherish this pain, though I keep it disguised

And I carry a torch without heat

And I celebrate what I can’t understand

As I lay it all down at His feet.

Jane 2006