Sometimes I’m jealous of the ladies circle
Knowing I’ll never fit in that tight-knit group
I dream of walking in on their special meeting
Sitting in the corner, with a fork in my soup.

I remember kindergarten like it was yesterday
Standing in the corner of the gym
Watching other children dance and play together
Unable to be a part, so to honor Him.

I know those memories haunt me still, 
When I’m in a new place.
I want to stand back, withdraw from the crowd.

And dreams that wake me from a fitful sleep
Are about embarrassment
My voice that is just too loud!

Lord, help me to give in to the me that is You,
To push past my urge to run at the door,
To know that you’re my safety, my hiding place — 
But in this world You want more.

And when I enter the uncomfortable zone,
You’ll be with me, sharing Your grace,
And those I fear that may be looking at me,
Will look past my flaws, and see Your face.

Jane 2012

Welcome to the sisterhood.
The family secrets are yours to explore
To keep or share as you will.
The pain you feel lasts only a day
But it reverberates for a lifetime,

From smile to smile and tear to tear, 
Partings and rejoinings,
Each becomes easier – and more difficult.

We suffer, we rejoice, 
In each other’s company.
If we choose to share,
Not just compare,
We give each other strength and meaning.

We cannot do it alone – 
The winds of change would be too much.
But bound together, we survive.
And offer up a praise
And thanksgiving.

Pain becomes a portal
To a higher, more perfect place.
And the sisterhood of suffering
Becomes a glorious robe.

Jane 

2000

Tonight I said goodbye to my baby
And remembered when I held you first.
Your cry of astonishment
Was music to my ears.

And later when you cried in pain,
And nothing else would do,
We danced till you cried no more.

Tears of exhaustion, tears of rage
They came and I wiped them away
As I comforted you in your time of need.

And you grew from baby to boy.
There were other tears shed that I never saw
Some on the inside, I’m sure.
Pain that you felt, but kept hidden away
Not for a mother to share.

And tonight as you held me in your arms
The tears that were shed were mine
For my role as a mother has come to a close
But you are my shining star.

2005

Will I be remembered 
After I’m gone,
When I am nothing 
But ashes and bone?

Will someone recall 
That I walked this earth?
Did the world change
On the day of my birth?

This is the question
That beats with my heart
And drives all pursuits
And creation of art.

The refusal to look past,
Keeps me fettered and torn
Bound by the chains
Of the clothes that I’ve worn.

Looking to others
To celebrate and verify
That I am more
Than the singular I.

Until I am willing
To look in the face
Of a Man who gave all
That I might have grace.

Embrace the doubts
That challenge my thought
And look toward the God
Who my freedom has bought

And leaving behind
The quest for mere fame,
Trust in His word and
Freedom proclaim.

Resting assured
There awaits something more,
When I leave this place
And pass through death’s door.

Jane

2010

“Your baby is dead.”
I heard the words
And I knew in my heart they were true.

For the dread that came
When I quieted my soul
Darkened the joy that I knew.

I put away the dreams for you
And the baby name book as well
And pushed away the mourning
Too young, too early to tell.

I rolled it all up in a tight little place
And I hope that it never sees day.
It’s unreasonable to shed a tear
For something so tiny and gray.

No one will miss the songs you don’t sing
No one will wipe tears not shed
No one will love you – you don’t exist
And you never did, they said.

Except in moment, except in a spark
That flickered and died without flame
And a little scar on a very sore place
That lingers and begs for a name.

God do you hear me, does your heart ache?
When a soul you began turns away?
Do you harbor a tear that cannot be shed?
Do you ache for a senseless decay?

I cannot believe in a God that’s a pitiless power
Who rejoices in pain and duress
Who cannot know the despair of my heart
Or cannot share my distress.

So I cherish this pain, though I keep it disguised
And I carry a torch without heat
And I celebrate what I can’t understand
As I lay it all down at His feet.

Jane

1978