“Your baby is dead.”

 I heard the words

And I knew in my heart they were true.

For the dread that came

When I quieted my soul

Darkened the joy that I knew.

I put away the dreams for you

And the baby name book as well

And pushed away the mourning

Too young, too early to tell.

I rolled it all up in a tight little place

And I hope that it never sees day.

It’s unreasonable to shed a tear

For something so tiny and gray.

No one will miss the songs you don’t sing

No one will wipe tears not shed

No one will love you – you don’t exist

And you never did, they said.

Except in moment, except in a spark

That flickered and died without flame

And a little scar on a very sore place

That lingers and begs for a name.

God do you hear me, does your heart ache?

When a soul you began turns away?

Do you harbor a tear that cannot be shed?

Do you ache for a senseless decay?

I cannot believe in a God that’s a pitiless power

Who rejoices in pain and duress

Who cannot know the despair of my heart

Or cannot share my distress.

So I cherish this pain, though I keep it disguised

And I carry a torch without heat

And I celebrate what I can’t understand

As I lay it all down at His feet.

Jane 2006